"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
