And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
