The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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