Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Randomize
