there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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