If that was your dad, he is hot
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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