K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
