I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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