My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
