im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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