then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
