The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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