Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my sisters under your porch take her home
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize