i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
