It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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