How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
