His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
