I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
