Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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