How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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