I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
