My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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