Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
