I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
