Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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