Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Vodka?
Forever.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
