You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
