No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
