There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
