He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
