Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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