I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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