p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
