I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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