Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
