Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
