I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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