I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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