My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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