Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
