Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
