Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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