I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
