I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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