9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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