I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
