the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
