do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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