i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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