so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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