when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
