Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
