I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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