He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i now understand why vodka
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize