Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
