I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize