I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
