Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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