I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
