At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He has the fingertips of a God
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