allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
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