Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
