Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize