Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
