how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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